Healing…

Prayer Request: 

First, before I begin my post tonight, I had to share this blog post. She is a fellow (Twitter) friend that could use some prayers. There are so many of you that have been here, some after multiple losses like her, but yet we find hope. We hang onto it, because miracles do exist.  I thought her perspective was beautiful, I just had to share. If you could say an extra prayer for her tonight, I know how much she’d appreciate it. I would too, as I want this for her so badly.

My blog post: Healing

I know I’m healing. I can feel it. I’m eating healthy, working out,  and I’m physically stronger than I’ve been in over a year. I’ve come along way from sleeping all day after my 4th miscarriage to being at the gym by 6am and from Reese’s Pieces to grilled chicken salads.  I’m on Week 8 of C25K  and I’m running a 5k this weekend. I’m also pleased to say I’m down 12. 8lbs in 5weeks. I’m feeling stronger. In some ways, I’m also feeling proud of my body, which I couldn’t say a month ago. I know it’s not much, but I benched 85lbs this morning. The first week I could barely do the bar, which was 45lbs.

I even talked about my losses today without crying to my trainer and another person on my weight loss challenge team. Physically, I feel stronger and I have more energy, but I can also feel little glimpses of healing. T is even noticing too.

The other night when T came in from the garage at 8pm, he heard Eric Church blaring in the kitchen, me singing at the top of my lungs, all while I was baking gluten-free oatmeal muffins. Cheesecake and I were dancing in the kitchen while Bailey barked at us. T opened the door and stood there watching us for a bit before I even noticed he was there.

I saw him and stopped and laughed. He decided to join us. I must say though, that we have no rhythm, we cannot dance. Did you ever see Hitch with Will Smith and Kevin James? Yeah T dances like Kevin James in that movie. :) We stopped dancing at the change of the song of the next song, I pulled the muffins out of the oven, and he kissed me.. I said, “What was that for?” And he said, “I just love you..”

I knew, in that moment though that it was really because he hasn’t seen me dancing in the kitchen in ages. He hasn’t seen me laughing or baking or singing at the top of my lungs.

I still have my setbacks, like today when we went to dinner for a ‘semi-cheat’ meal and I was served by a teenager with the cutest bump. Yes, I know there will always be triggers, always… but it’s nice to know that I’m not only feeling stronger physically, but I’m also feeling a bit stronger emotionally. It’s one step at a time and handling the emotions as they come. But I’m going to recognize my moments of healing and be grateful for them.

49 and Counting

A Calm Persistence:

If you’re not following Dawn, you should. Chances are if you follow my blog, you’ll also enjoy hers :)

Originally posted on OurGreatestDesire:

I can’t believe it!  I am at 49 followers…that’s awesome!!!  This blog started as a way to vent about this journey but instead, I have met (well, cyberly) some of the most fantastic, supportive ladies ever!  As soon as I hit 50 followers, I will do some sort of giveaway.  :)  Hope you all had a great weekend…my Packers are kicking butt (had to DVR the game so still watching) so I’m in a super good mood right now!!!!

Hugs~Dawn

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Catching up- October Photo Challenge

I know, I know.. I’m so far behind. I thought about quitting, but I hate quitting at things. So, here are the pictures.

Day 12: Reflection- This was taken on my morning walk. I get to see the sunrise every morning I walk and I just love it. You can see the reflection of the sky on the water.

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Day 13: Hands- Well just one hand.. T and I went to Texas Roadhouse for dinner. I know, I know, not on the diet plan,  but it was my birthday dinner. So I thought a cheat night was in order, however I went to the gym after dinner so I wasn’t over on my calories. :)

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Day 14: Writing- This is the card T gave me yesterday.  He always writes such kind words in his cards.

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Day 15: Laughter – Okay, just a warning about the next picture, Cheesecake is pooping (but I censored it). I was walking him across a field trying to keep him away from the “No Trespassing” area. He sprinted away from me (it takes a lot for him to even sprint, but I didn’t have his leash on him so it was my fault) and pooped right next to the sign. I laughed and said to him, “Is that what you think about that sign?” Don’t worry I did clean it up, but it was slightly humorous.

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Day 16: Furry- this is another little guy we have. We got him the first year we were married. Although he still looks like a puppy, he’s 11 years old. He has to hide from Cheesecake constantly. Poor little guy.

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Day 11: Love

Love.. I had a million pictures to post today, from what I love to eat, pictures of T, or the Renaissance faire we visited today that I love going to. I could have posted a million pictures of my dogs too.  But the thing I want to share is something I created that was Pinterest inspired about a year ago. It has been such a positive thing in our marriage and we use it pretty regularly. I made an “I love you because..” board and we keep it in our room with a few wedding pictures and the word ‘love’ above one of our dressers.

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I still remember the first thing I wrote on the board. It was “I love you because… you don’t get mad when I get speeding tickets.” This was my way of telling him I had another speeding ticket. Since I stopped commuting over an hour each way, I no longer get those, but T was always so annoyed every time I got one. He walked out of the room after seeing the message on the new board I created, smiled and just said, “Clever..”

Anyway, I would highly recommend doing this. We kind of take turns, sometimes he writes on it and sometimes I do. Sometimes we don’t write on it for weeks and sometimes we write on it multiple times a week. I love having it and getting messages from T.

Day 10: Busy

Busy: This completely describes my day. After an early breakfast with T at 5:45am, I haven’t stopped all day. I took the bulldog for the longest walk, I met my mom for a birthday lunch (my birthday is on Monday) and we went to the prison to put money in my brother’s account so he can call us. I made it home just in time to get my nieces at 3pm. We started the night by drawing and I taught them to play Uno. Then we went to Panera for dinner.

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We have finally settled down and they are watching Alvin and the Chipmunks, so I have a free moment. It was a busy day, but it was a good day.

Two Letters that were hard to write..

This morning I got up very early because Cheesecake refused to sleep last night, so T and I went to breakfast at 5:45am and now I’m home and I chose to write two very difficult letters that had a huge impact on me this morning.  In case you’re wondering, this is what Cheesecake is doing now that I’m wide awake:

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The first letter I wrote was to my brother (who is in prison for the second time) and my trainer at the gym (she gave us homework).

A letter to my brother:

I decided to write my brother a letter. I’ll continue to write him letters the entire time he’s in there. I won’t lecture him, but I just want him to know that I care enough about him when he is in there. So I’ll write about the dogs, his son, and silly things our mom does and says to keep him entertained. But this letter was different than those sent the first time he was in jail, or the ones to follow this first letter.

I had to tell him things that I felt about him being back in prison and using cocaine again. I don’t want to give him a guilt trip, I know he hates letting T and I down. But I had to write a letter anyway..

A few things it said:

  • I stated my letter with this: “Growing up was hard…really hard. I think sometimes we try to forget how hard it actually was because it’s easier. Honestly, I think I’ve suppressed so much because that’s easier too. I don’t know if you remember all the times we had to deal with disappointments but it was frequently. I’m not mad at mom. I’ve forgiven her. Although it’s impossible to forget, it’s not her fault. I truly believe that drugs change the chemical make-up of the brain and change the things that are important to you. I know that all along she’s wanted to change and she has always loved us. I’m not mad at you either. I hurt for you because I just want so much more for you than this. I truly see the good in you and believe you deserve so much more than this life.
  • The middle of my letter consisted of a conversation with his old best friend, a section about how I missed him and wanted him back in my life, and about how he deserves so much more.
  • I ended the letter with this: ” I could also sit here and tell you all the things I think you should do, but what I learned with mom is that doesn’t really matter what I think or have to say. It’s up to you. You KNOW what you need to do. You’re smart. Whether or not you’re going to let drugs control you or not, it’s completely up to you. Just like it was up to mom years ago and I have to accept that. I can only hope that one day you’re free from all of this”
  • I then included another letter with my day-to-day ramblings that I’ll send him once a week in the upcoming weeks.

I don’t know how he’ll respond to that letter and I’m okay with it, because as long as he’s in there he will listen to what I have to say without arguing or denying things.

A letter to my trainer: 

She gave us homework this week. Here is what her email said,

“HOMEWORK!!  Yes, that’s right.  It’s time for homework!  This is due MONDAY at the very latest.  This is a requirement, not an option.   I want each one of you to write a short (or long) essay as to why you struggled with gaining weight.  I do NOT want to hear generic excuses such as “I overeat’ or “I don’t exercise.”  I want you to dig deep and write down what is going on.  Do you eat when stressed?  Or bored?  Is it something that stemmed from your childhood?  And why?  How does it make you feel when you are stressed (or bored, etc) and you eat something?  Or do you starve yourself all day and over eat in the evening? Why do you do this? How do you feel when you make poor nutrition choices?   And secondly, what are ideas to change this.  What can you do?  Our challenge ends in 6 weeks.  What life changes are you going to make after it ends?   I want to hear details and heartfelt answers.  You can either email it to me or give it to me on paper.  I AM THE ONLY PERSON THAT WILL READ THIS.”  

You can imagine my hesitation. Why have I gained weight?? How do I explain the challenges we’ve been through in the last 2+ years? How will I be honest with someone I’ve only known for a month? Was I strong enough to write my story? Could I even hit the send button? Can I really do this?

When I got her initial email I actually started crying. T asked what was wrong and I told him. He said, “Just be honest with her.. tell her. You did nothing wrong here. It’s not our fault. Who cares what she thinks?” So, that’s what I did. I typed out a 2.5 page letter, single-spaced letter about what has happened in the last two years. I included EVERYTHING.. and there were tears while I wrote it all out in a letter. I included how I had 3 losses in 9 months, then another loss under my RE’s care. I explained how I quit my job, am suffering in silence most days, and all of the tests I’ve done and medication I’ve taken.

I told her about each loss, the feelings that I was experiencing along the way, and how I feel now. I told her about my extended break from TTC and why this time was different. And I know that this time is different because I was actually able to send that letter. Hitting the send button was easier than I thought it would be. 

I feel myself healing each day and although I’m not in control of this situation, I am in control of how I respond to it. I’m a fighter.. I can do this.

Day 8: Bright & Day 9: Orange

Day 8: Bright- 

I’m going to start with why I missed yesterday. T and I have a wood pellet stove that we use to heat our house in the winter. Well, last night we got 3 tons of pellets and it took all night.

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They come in 40lbs bags (1 ton each) and we had to carry them down to the basement. We needed 3 tons, so last night I moved approximately 3,000lbs in pellets from the truck to the basement (I did my share). It’s no small task carrying 40 pound bags, especially down stairs! I did hook up my HR monitor and I burned over 400 calories so I counted that as a second workout for the day.

So where does the ‘bright’ come in? You should have seen my face, it was bright red. I was proud of myself though, because I was able to help T and we are ready for winter. If this blog wasn’t anonymous I would have posted a selfie.

Day 9: Orange-

As you know if you’ve been following this blog, T restores classic cars/trucks. T worked out a deal with two old Chevy’s sitting in a field for years. Here is one of the rusty orange/teal trucks we picked up. I swear it’ll look so much better once T’s done with it.

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And just because I take random pictures, here are the clouds rolling in for the rain expected tomorrow.

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